I love watching crime shows. The First 48 is one of my favorite shows because it depicts real life investigations into catching criminals who have committed horrible crimes. I love trying to figure out the mystery before the investigators do. Once these criminals are caught, they are interrogated and often times they confess. At the end of the show, a picture of the criminal flashes across the screen with the prison sentence that the offender received. Many times they are given sentences anywhere from 20 years to life in prison. Can you imagine being imprisoned in a tiny cell; no longer free to go as you please?
I have never been to prison but I know what confinement feels like. Being confined to a wheelchair and bed bound most days oftentimes feels like a prison. There were days where I would just lay in my bed and cry because I could not go to the bathroom on my own or fix myself a plate of food. Frustrated with my condition, I kept thinking about all of the things that I could not do. My life before this illness seemed like a fairy tale. I would try to remember what it felt like to get up in the morning and cook breakfast for my husband and kids but I couldn't. I had developed a prison mentality. No, I didn't commit a crime but I was confined nonetheless.
Sounds like a horrible place and state of mind to be in huh? Yes there are still days that I am frustrated about the things that I cannot do but I have since found a freedom in confinement. I am now forced to deal with my emotions and feelings for what they are. I can't mask them by shopping sprees or even going to take a hot shower. I can't run away from my truth. There is such a freedom in being forced to deal with your issues head on. As a result I am learning more about myself and where God is taking me even in this time of confinement.
By no means am I in a state of complacency, rather I am in a state of contentment. God will bring about deliverance in my life but it will be in His time. I cannot rush God and it won't help my situation to continue to ponder on all the things that I am unable to do. Instead I am using this confinement as an opportunity to grow closer to God. It has been a process and many days there was no dialogue between me and God. Then I started reading one Bible verse, then another. I stumbled upon Psalm 139:14 - "I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and it changed everything for me.
No, my life is not where I thought it would be. No, I don't have all the things I desire to have, but I know now more than ever that God has not forgotten about me. In God's great plan for the world, He thought about me. He made me in His image and His likeness. Before I was formed in my mother's womb, He knew I would be in this place in 2016. What a freedom I have in this season of confinement knowing that God has a plan for me! He will turn my mourning into dancing - literally.
Until next time....Be Real. Be Authentic. Be YOU!